Movie Review: Transformers 2
Fuck you Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orc, and Alex Kurtzman.
3 Writers on 1 movie, and it was still boring, long, and shitty. I don’t remember how many times I thought to myself “Wow. Fuckin’ really?” solely from the crappy writing. It’s amazing; the crap that can make it to the silver screen.
And fuck you Michael Bay. You suck.
Do us all a favor and stop making movies. You’re lost in the 90s if you think all a good action flick needs is LOTS of explosions and some flashy CG.
And real surprise there Michael, using the sex appeal of your actress to sell your film. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you had a raging boner any time she was on set.
First shot of Megan Fox in the movie:
Good job America, let’s keep supporting the stereotype.
Don’t get me wrong. Sex in movies isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I just hate it when it’s used as a main attraction. Exploited, if you will. If my goal was to watch sex in a film, I wouldn’t go to the movie theater and watch Transformers 2. I’d download porn.
Don’t pay money to see this movie. I recommend waiting until it’s available for illegal download (so that these no-talent hacks can’t wipe their ass with your hard-earned money). Download it, and skip through everything that isn’t Optimus Prime rocking some Decepticon face…so you’ll get maybe 5-10 minutes of the movie, which is all you REALLY need to see.
It’s movies like “Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen” that give me hope as a screenwriter. If crap like this can be made into a blockbuster, I know I can write a movie that America will change their underwear over, because they will either shit, piss, or orgasm in their pants from its sheer awesomeness.
The movie’s plot was pathetic. Just a bunch of running in circles. It took 3 writers to come up with this: (warning – spoilers)
Sam touches the broken block piece from first movie and sees crazy alien symbols, block piece revives Megatron (which “killed” him in the first place…wtf? I guess it’s like killing a hangover with more alcohol…?), Megatron reads symbols in Sam’s brain? (wtf?), Sam needs symbols translated by an old retired SR-71 Decepticon turned Autobot with a fucking cane (because old ROBOTS need canes…) who says, “Go find the key that turns on this hidden ancient destructive weapon machine thing in Egypt which will blow up your Sun” which randomly has the power to revive the now-deceased Optimus Prime, Sam finds key which disintegrates from old age, then gets mind-fucked by Dead Robot Spirits (while at the brink of death) which randomly re-solidifies said disintegrated key, he then revives Prime who fights Decepticons on his own because the rest of the Autobots are pretty much useless fucks. Yay Shia. You saved the day.
And let’s not forget to mention the comic relief, which is essentially a pair of twin ghetto Jar Jar Binks’ turned robot.
Cinematic genius.
Fucking useless Hollywood screenwriters. I want my money back.
Transformers 2: 1 of 5 stars
-Mattao
It was one of those movies with no wiggling in the seat or anything. Sex Movies
"If a robot could transform into a turd, it would be this movie."
-Spill.com
The new title for this movie should be Transformers 2: Robots I Despise. I mean WTF! I waited nearly 4 years for this crap. Michael Bay-plosions does it again with this steaming pile. Megan Fox is hot but we already knew that and Shia LaDouche stumbles again as the would be hero. D minus.